Beautiful just beautiful.

You know this year has so far been the year during which I’ve learnt how to accept how things wanted to present themselves. I used to question the why’s of why’s. Maturity is a subjective mmmm subject that is continuously changing itself and adapting itself to the state of one’s mind. As a way to translate what I really feel, I present to you, the lyrics for Life is Wonderful by Jason Mraz.

Life Is Wonderful

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I’m saying

It takes a thought to make a word
It takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it work
It takes some bad for satisfaction

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la  life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
And it takes those tears to make it rust
It takes some dust to have it polished, yeah

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la  life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

It is, It is so
And it is so…

It takes some silence to make a sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la  life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la la is wonderful

Ah la la la la la la it is so wonderful
It is so meaningful
It is so wonderful
It is so meaningful

It is wonderful
It is meaningful

It goes full circle
Wonderful
Meaningful

Sigh, I missed his concert when he came to Malaysia, was working in KLIA and my train left at 6:50 p.m.

Advertisements

Running

I used to ask an ex-colleague of mine when I was in MAS whilst we were on the ERL train on the way home, “What drives you to run?”. He was silent for a few minutes and I didn’t take my eyes off him, trying to read his body language. His eyeballs were staring around looking for an answer. “I just love it”, he answered.

“That’s it?” I asked. “Yeah”. I didn’t believe him. I was sure there was a hidden motive, the x-factor that pushed him into such activity. I was not that keen on running during that time. I love sports but was not that interested when it came to long distance running. “Mindless, pointless”, I would say.

Until one day, my mind was so depressed from work, studies, life’s expectation, I decided to give it a go. A scene from Forrest Gump flashed in my mind. Mr Gump was so sad that his lover left him, he just ran. What happened next? You gotta watch the movie to appreciate it.

My first attempt at running was excruciatingly painful. I was wearing my basketball shoes, worn basketball shoes with the cushioning all looked like a thin slice of cheese with holes eaten out by rats. 1st issue was impact on the soles, 2nd issue was, stamina. 2nd issue was the biggest embarrassment from my personal point of view. I was an athlete who represented my school, my faculty, my university in various sports. But I couldn’t maintain the proper posture and pace within 15 minutes of running. Fast paces became a step by step personal achievement. That was all I could maintain for the next hour or so. But one aspect of it which really comforted me was, I was in my own world of huff and puff. I didn’t care what other people was thinking of me.

The objective: to reach point B from point A. The road does not care who you are. It lays sprawled for you to explore, for you to step on. The road does not discriminate. The fact that my house is located near to a wonderful lake, helps to keep me running. “Wanna see more beautiful scenes? Keep running”. “Wanna see those pretty ladies over there? Keep running”. “Are those guys shooting for a movie or something? Keep running”. “We’ll pass by them and see more wonderful things”.

Now, I’ve got a proper pair of running shoes. A Sony Walkman mp3 player. Running shirt/shorts/pants. And have been yearning for any chance I could get to get my legs moving. The feeling of accomplishment for finishing a certain predetermined distance is so awesome it is as if all your organs are giving you a pat on the back thanking you for clearing their vessels and strengthening them physically and refreshing their will.

Now I understand what drives these runners to run. At least that’s how I understand it and that’s what I’ve been experiencing. It’s a ‘me’ time, an addictive activity which in a way helps me to build up my self esteem, confidence and strengthening my resolve. Not to mention, helps to tone my physique too 😉 .

Give me hills, give me gravel, give me shoes in which I will travel.

Short and sweet (part troix) B

…and hopefully the final part.

Warning: Very lengthy wall of text.

I’ve decided, no matter what the outcome is, I’m gonna write it.

After finishing off the last crumb on my plate, I left the table and went to join the rest of the families in the living room.

“Have you tried this chocolate chip? Oh you’ve bought it, I forgot”, said the fairy princess. “What about this one?” she asked again while handing me a jar of  greenish coloured 2.5 inch cookies. I forgot the name. I was totally caught in the moment. “Oh, sure” said I. I took a small bite, a small bite which gave my taste buds a pleasant sensation of creamy, brittle-like, sweet, just nice  home made cookie. Small pieces fell onto the carpet and I scrambled to pick it up. “That’s not how you eat it. You have to put the whole thing in your mouth”, she said. “Oh begitu”. I wasn’t aware of what I was saying.

When I wanted to put the cap of the jar back on, she intervened, “Nah, it’s ok, lemme do it”. Alright. “Try this mazola”. They were awesome, simply put. One was not enough, I took a few. While I was, munching the 3rd or 4th mazola, I looked at her, she was resting her chin on her arms on the coffee table and her eyes… They were sparkling.

Only few secs later that I realized that her gaze met mine. I would be the biggest liar if I said I didn’t feel anything.

I was not sure if this feeling was mutual. But on my side, it was as if the world stopped. I forgot that her mother was nearby. Her family was nearby. I forgot who I was, I forgot my place. Upon waking up from that brief reverie, I shifted my gaze.

Blank as before, I sat on the carpet and listened to the chatter of the family members. Suddenly, the princess’ sister said something about taking pictures of them. She gave the princess her blackberry, her bf’s and I think even the princess tried to use hers too. She called for me to help her. “Sure I’ll give you a hand”, said I. A trembling hand.

I hate that moment so much. Mind over matter didn’t work that time for my mind was disorganized. Didn’t feel like the mind of an engineer, more like that of a  foolish boy who was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by what? God knows what.

“Does this camera have autofocus?” I asked. “Yes”, one of them answered. I couldn’t see it because my view was not properly interpreted. Like I said, my mind was disorganized. Everything was kinda blurry. As a result I had to take their pictures twice, for the first one was a complete disaster. The 2nd one was, half a disaster.

They sat again, chat again, and myself, looking like a fool again. I looked at my watch a couple of times. Then I decided, it was close to maghrib. Time to go. “Puan, thanks a lot for everything, I think it’s time for me to take my leave now”, said I. I repeated the same phrase to all of them. “Should I call you uncle or abang?” I asked En/Abang/Uncle Zainal. “Call me whatever you want”, he said whilst laughing. “Come here anytime yeah”, he said again when I released his handshake. I just answered with a nod.

“Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin, Terima kasih banyak ye” I repeated again whilst walking towards the door.

“Going back already? We barely get to know you!” said the princess’ sister’s boyfriend.

“I’m a nobody” my conscience answered. I just smiled in reply.

“Thanks for coming!” said the princess’ sister.

“Thanks for entertaining” I answered.

“Entertaining? Was it?” the sister asked again. Again smile was all I could do. Entertaining as in entertaining your guest. A complete stranger.

Then,there she was standing in front of me. I put on my shoes and looked into her innocent eyes. How could anything hurt someone as beautiful as her? Pretty images came into my mind. But one that stood out the most was the image of the sunbeam trying to penetrate through the forest canopy.

Again, I would be the biggest liar if I said I didn’t feel anything. I was smitten. A smitten kitten.

I couldn’t say anything else other than the lame o’s thanks, farewell and Selamat Hari Raya. Mesmerized. Hypnotized.

When I walked to my car, my knees felt weak. I felt like if I was somebody else I wouldn’t have to endure this bittersweet reality. Then my senses came back again, turning on the engine, I said to myself, “You’ve had a fair share of that beautiful feeling for a while, be grateful”. You wouldn’t know when would you feel it again. Be grateful.

As I drove further and further away, I realized that I even forgotten to take a picture of her, her family and all the beautiful things. I even forgot to give out the duit raya I’ve prepared for the kids for this holiday. That night, there was a bit of regret. But as days passed, I realized that the mental images that I brought with me were far more clear. They are connected to the heart and the mind. A strong feeling of the goodness in people, of the longing for love, and a respect for the people who took you in without prejudice, without any pre-judgement. And to find them in a family whom I’ve never met, I am glad that I am alive and still able to appreciate this. Thanks. A heartfelt thanks.

p/s: I’ve edited this post a more than five times already, not sure which live performance should I use as the closing video. Sigh, not cool at all. Reason? My Ego says don’t reveal your feeling too much.

So Bare.

Never had it crossed my mind that I would let myself to be exposed emotionally and to actually enjoy it. It was awkward initially. I know the outcome might not be what I wished it could be. But this moment would not have come if I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. The chance to feel what I feel now is a blessing. It took away all my pains in the past and gave me a greater realization that all those series of events were meant to teach me something and brought me up to this point.

This point. A point where I can be honest and accept anything told to me with honesty. A point where I truly see the greatness and kindness of the human race. A point where I feel if Allah were to take my life away, I would feel ok, hopefully I’ve done the deeds. Hopefully my loved ones will be able to continue life joyously and successfully.

What prompted me to come up with such a statement? So many things. But one thing in particular which acted as the much needed nudge for me to step into this ‘enlightened’ state. Words written from the heart. Words which did not care of the repercussions, words which did not mind to say ‘sorry’, words which stir all the negative feelings and blend them with the rationale of their existence turning them into a catalyst for a person to reach greater heights. So powerful those words were and are.

Thanks to those who have been apart of my journey thus far.

Short and sweet part troix (Te-ghu-wa) A

So I was left alone at the table. And a puteri bunian (fairy princess) said, “Haha biarkan dia sorang-sorang, biar dia rasa bersalah”. Haha. Comel comel. Not just what she said, but she herself is comel, (cute). So while the puteri bunian was cleaning up the table (my God, these days, usually only the bibiks do that), I dare not to lift my head. For indeed I was clueless,”apa ni, you are still eating and the puteri bunian is already cleaning up!”. Whilst she was picking up some of the crumbs, she asked, “Lepas ni pegi mana?”. “Emm, Midvalley”, said I. I have to look for a book related to ISO9001 standards. “Ohh, buat apa?” asked the puteri. “Cari buku,” said I. “Oh…” .Haish. Bodoh kan? Smart move wise guy -.-. But I did go afterwards, fully baju-melayu-ed. Had to bring in my boots into the surau though when I wanted to perform the maghrib prayer at the midvalley prayer room for there was no one around and I was scared that I might be left shoeless on the way home.

And then she sat a few chairs away from me. “Ada soalan nak tanya tapi semua dah hilang”, said I. “Hah, masa ni la nak tanya, cepat cepat tanya,” so adorable when she was saying that. Dia macam gadis muda bersifat makcik comel. “How old is your daddy yek??” I could hear the sound of the loser trumpet in my head at that time. Ada ka patut tanya pasal ayah? Adakah? “Daddy, how old are you?” straightaway the puteri asked her daddy. Face to palm. Haha. Literally my face to my palm. “Kenapa? Nampak muda ya?” kata En/Abang/Uncle Zainal. “Agak-agak berapa?” katanya lagi. “Mmm 43-45?” I guessed. “Hmm lebih kurang la” he answered. Then the puteri went to the ruang tamu to serve some drinks. My God, ayunya! If I were a candle, I would have melted.

To be continued to part troix B. I can’t type. Brain haywired. Must. Stay. Calm.

Intermission

The 3rd part is kinda hard to write. The details are too vivid and they are flooding my mind with too many possibilities. Words must be chosen carefully.

Enjoy! Listen to the lyrics.

Short and sweet part deux

It’s nice to be the center of attention SOMETIMES. What I hated was my inability to be in control. To utter words coherently for my senses were…hmmm couldn’t quite find the word for it. “Johny Wayfarer, you are Johny Wayfarer now!”. Nothing.

I’ve amazed interviewers in… well interviews. Even the Eurocopter manager told me, “I liked your confidence and your ability to discuss your career prospect with me and what you have planned, would like to see you for the 2nd interview”. I declined. That’s a story for another time.

Ok, where were we? Oh yeah, sound of a car coming, En/Abang/Uncle Zainal went out…etc. Not quite what I was expecting. Turned out they were also close acquaintances of the family.

“Eh jom jom makan”. Yes! The long awaited event.

1 Ketupat. Ayam masak merah. Not sure what they call this one in English 😦 . But it sure was tasty. I took 3 pieces and I wasn’t ashamed. They/We were chatting about issues ranging from Sosilawati to Miri, Kuching, Rawa specialty food. I listened and gave a few pointless neither witty opinions (I think). En/Abang/Uncle Zainal interjected, “Ni cerita Semenanjung, orang Miri tak tau”. Haha agreed. Hati saya kat semenanjung lagi 😦 .

Oh about En/Abang/Uncle Zainal’s wife, I’m also not sure how should I address her. She sure doesn’t look her age. Panggil kakak pun boleh.

So I sat there, listening to the chatter, banter, looking at the cats, fat, chubby, furry, fuzzy…so gigit-able, the cute, sweet sisters, handsome boys, glorious food, and at the same time wondering…”Ya Allah, they talked as if I was a part of the family”. Aisyah’s raya song in the background improved the ambiance and what I was feeling. But still, my mind was blank.

“Puan, mintak tolong pass kek coklat tu.” Heaven. Big juicy strawberry. I asked for a 2nd one, then it struck me. Eh eh semua sudah gerak pergi ruang tamu. Malulah gua ini macam. “No, don’t leave me here alone!”

Kak/Puan/Auntie Nani said, “Jom, makan kuih kat sana pulak”. “Ok nanti saya habiskan kek ni dulu”. And then, something happened, something which I kinda regretted. I’ve spoken to strangers with ease before. Whites, Blacks, Arabs, Pakistanis, Female, Male. They were a walk in the park. But…jeng jeng jeng….to be continued…

p/s: Didn’t mean to drag this, but there’s just so much that I wanted to type. It’s a beautiful life indeed.